Have to start somewhere

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.

I have never written before and I certainly have no experience of layouts or designing blogs.  In fact I named this blog "Not sure yet" and I have no idea how to change that.  I haven't got a snappy screen name or any vintage pics to post in the header.  A truly unsuccessful first outing.

What I do have is a lot of thoughts.  Like a lot.  Usually they come tumbling out of my mouth in no sort of order at all, confusing and infuriating anyone who is unfortunate enough to get caught in the stream.

I like a lot of things and I have thoughts on a lot of things, but I don't seem to have the attention span to become obsessed in the way other people become obsessed with things.  I worked in make-up for a few years and I loved it but never as much as others loved it.  Any TV shows, films or books I love, I never love as much as others.  I think that sort of sums me up.  I have always been sort of stuck in the middle.  In many ways.

I am what you would call a larger lady.  Not huge, but bigger.  I usually swing between a 16-18.  Before my recent wedding I was a size 14.  No mean feat let me tell you, but here I am two months later a stone and a half heavier and back to a size 16-18.  This is average these days.

Even my wedding.  I was 29 when I got married.  About average these days.

My grades in school were above average granted, but that didn't transfer over to Uni.  I got lost if truth be told and I didn't finish.  Now I have an average job with an average wage.

I am not running myself down with this.  I am simply stating fact.

It is something I have came to realize about myself recently and now that I am staring down the barrel of 30 (in less than 2 weeks) it is something I would like to change.  Like many people I have always thought that my future lay in writing.  I have never known what or when I would write but I have always thought I would.  Turning 30 makes you assess what you have and what you don't have.  Who you are and who you thought you would be.  I thought my 20's would be like Friends and that never happened.  I didn't make it happen.  I didn't put enough effort into any of my relationships, or my career or anything to make it like that.  I am too lazy.  Another fact I have came to accept.

The strange thing about me being completely average is this.  When I was younger I longed to be normal.  I prayed for it and did everything in my power to blend in.  It didn't work.  I have never fitted into a clique so I stopped trying.  As I have grown older I have positively rejected average.  I hate anything that is popular.  I hate chick flicks.  I hate the Grease and Dirty Dancing Megamixes.  I hate reality TV shows.  I hate mob mentality and this overwhelming trend towards "quirky" and "cutesy" and the use of slang and one word sentences. So why have I become the one thing I always wanted to be and then the one thing I positively went out of my way not to be?

What I also have, is a husband who loves me more than average.  I know that for certain.  Not many people can say that and it makes you a little stronger.  Knowing someone loves you BECAUSE of all your faults, oddities and quirks.  Mr McC would be the first to tell you that I am completely and utterly mental.  That is what he loves about me.  When you see yourself through someone else's eyes like that, you can't help but feel a little bit special.

I think that is behind my decision to start writing a blog. I don't have anything in particular to write about.  I am not obsessed with fashion or beauty.  I have an average interest.  Plus I am to lazy to get into competition with the several hundreds of thousands of bloggers who write about the "hottest new trend" or their "best beauty buy" and being nearly 30 and love by at least one wonderful man has made me OK with that.

What I am going to write about is what I think.  What I feel.  What annoys me about the world and I will give this warning right now.  I will be sarcastic.  I will be caustic and I will be irritating.

I have decided that this is my safe place to discover me.  Find my voice as a writer, finally after all these years of thinking I would eventually become one.  I am not who I thought I would be at 30.  I am alright with that.  I just want to discover who I will be if I put in a little more effort.

Even reading that last paragraph has made me annoyed at myself.  How Hannah Horvath was that?  What an incredibly self indulgent and ridiculous thing to say.  I am going to leave it in this post though.  I haven't taken enough risks yet in life and I think it is time I changed that.  I won't be sharing these posts with my friends and family just yet, but the eventual aim is I will.  Maybe someone I know will stumble across this blog by accident and make that decision for me but  one day I will be brave enough to post a link on Facebook.  Until then, I am just going to enjoy writing rubbish and taking the first steps towards being more than average.